hmmm just checks lee evans tickets he only got 2 dates left in london really need to book them but got no moneys :( sucks but il find a way i wont miss him again!

 

I had the most amazing day!!! the photoshoot was excellent thou went really quick i put some of the better pics on here

then roamed london brought some new cds finally found nightwish!!!! n got Avenge sevenfold

so all in all a gd day but g2g things ta do

 

later x

Merry christmas!!! woohoo lol

waitin to play dawn of war so thought id leave u all a message whilst they set it up

pub was fun thou im shit at pool n now every1 nos it lol neva mind

god they r takin forever!!!!!! feel lik havin a chat ne1??? so bored

 

its where she lies broken inside x

Woohoo goin to see linkin parks tour in january can wait!!!! always wanted to see them live gonna be excellent!

hmm had a fight with my parents last night which sucked n im thinkin i might drop out of college(again lol) cos i hate it there but dunno. made del worry cos my phone was dead n i was runnin really cos i was fightin with them sorry bout that xxx but he cheered me up n i slept really well which is  a frist in a few weeks so thanx for that

neway g2g otherwise im gonna be runnin late again lol

 

two halfs cant make a whole

if they are not whole by themselves x

had a gd night just sitting with del listenin to music was great im lik wide awake again now thou from the walk home so looks lik another night of no sleep :( great cant wait. i think i might hav worked out the problem stoppin me from sleepin but not sure how im gonna fix it.

 

Asked my friends a question the otherday n the answers were not wot i was looking for, i no they are right cos its the same answer i gave myself but i needed to be wrong so now me slightly more confused n i no wot i hav to do i just dont think i can cos it will cause trouble for myself n a friend hmmm life sucks :(

 

Ne1 online??? feel lik chattin but all normal people r asleep.... boring

 

Being pulled to many ways

Getting lost along the way x

FUCKING WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER was planning on puttin nightish no my mp3 then goin to bed but windows decided it would rather wipe my mp3!!! no seetehr, linkin park n three days grace wont go back on and only 3 of the nightwish songs will!!!! now im actually gonna hav to do some work in lessons cos i got nothiong to listen to!! I HATE TECHNOLOGY ITS SHIT so much for goin to bed :(

hmm feelin bit better now thou not completely. i been educated into nightwish n hav to admit they r good, new music without Tarja is better me thinks thou the old stuff is gd too. Love Eva n bye bye beautiful

College 2moz havent done my work :-s neva mind really should go ta bed thou :(

 

To sleep perchance to dream x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i no i said i wouldnt blog nemore but i just had a fight with my dad and didnt no wot else to do im soo sick of my life i hate everthing a bout it at the moment and im sick of people keep bitching about my friends to me they r my friends for fuck sake so Leave them ALONE! i realise now that i had everything i wanted but i broke it and now its too late to get it back. no matter how much i apologize or how much i cry n hurt inside it will neva be mine again, he will neva be mine again. i thought that i had found my footing but i think that i was wrong my fight with dad proves that cos he didnt even really do nething wrong i just took the convo the wrong way now im sitting alone again writing shit that no one needs to read because i hav no one left to tlk to cos  i pushed them all away. i want to run but hav no where to run to and running away would just punish my parents when they havent done anything wrong. everything is so fucked up and its all my fault and theres nothing i can do about it and i dont thing i have the energy to try anymore

The road is slippery and i didnt tread carefully so now im falling again

 

Cos im broken when im open

And i dont feel right when ur gone away

... Seether

Time to go away. I think its time i took control and learnt the rules to this game cos i cant play it right now or il just keep 'destroying' people. (Thanx for that comment by the way as if i didnt feel bad enough) So i gonna try to avoid blogging for a while thou i will still be around just not tlkin cos everything i say seems to make things worse.

so long for now

 

Its time to heal x

im soooo very bored i am not taking another sat night off again! y has everything gone wrong this week? everything ive planned to do has been cancelled the only thing that went right was gettin the tattoo n that wasnt planned! i feel lik my life has become a game n i dont no the rules n i dont no how to stop playin. but if i dont learn the rules soon will i be lost until a new game starts, will a new game start? or will i stand in darkness forever? i dunno nemore n im losin the will to save myself im tired of smiling lik things r gd but that is my life playin happy families cos god forbid i make life any more disfunctional at home but no mind il play a bit longer at least i cant fall much further

 

was it worth it in the end? i would gladly fall just to no u but cos u fell too, no, u didnt deserve to fall so as much as i pains me to say it but it wasnt worth u falling im not worth u falling!

I wish i could say i am a biker thats wot i want to be but after recent events i no im not cos they scare me i neeed the saftey that comes from the car

 

Isn't anyone trying to find me
Won't somebody come take me home
Aviril Lavigne Take me home one of the 3 songs i like of hers

 

I need to find my own way, Cos its my life x

Tears fall down

To fast for me to feel

The pain hits hard

To hard for it to heal

The fear of falling

Of losing again

The pain of desertion

Of losing a friend

An empty shell

A broken heart

 

 

I posted the question 'if life were a plant would you water it?' my answer no i wouldnt i look around and see the pain and suffering that life causes i know that there is also love and happiness but in my experience darkness outweighs the light and probably always will but thats just my take on life

 

Alone i shall stand x

was having such a gd day went to town got the new tattoo which i luv n on the way back to the car i saw del n adam u no when ur in a situation when u no that if u say hello it will make it worse but not sayin anything is just as bad. its was lik that i wanted soo much to go  ova n say hi but knew i shouldnt so put my head down n walked away. i dont no if they saw me but i feel so bad n dont really no y cos afterall they dont wanta speak ta me so i just doin wot they wanted right? neway work was dull after that but did get to fry for a while which is always fun thou more fun with me bro cos we hav a laugh but neva mind

off ta bed now sooo tired lol

Forgiveness x

Things have been quite gd today I am going to get a new tattoo on my wrist of 2 chinese symbols that mean forgiveness I thought it would be a nice way to remind myself of this and keep me on track but who nos if that’s possible I always seem to find a way to fall. I was listenin to this song ‘lie to me’ by 12 Stones earlier and when I listen properly to the words I feel like its Del singin them about me. Its so fitting cos that’s how I think he sees me now and how I see myself a ‘fallen angel’. Listen to it n u’ll get wot I mean.

 

anyway here is a little bit of yesterdays rambling:

 

I walked today not to anywhere in particular I just walked for bout 2 hours clearing my head I didn’t really clear it but I did feel a bit better I just walked for no reason with my music full blast. I love listening to music it just makes me feel better bit of 3 days grace when im upset or 12 stones when I cant think of anything but my ex. I think about him a lot n how much I hurt him I start off thinking of the good times n it makes me smile then it always leads to how I treated him n makes me feel bad so I walk. Walk a step for Del a step for Adam and then a step for me with each step letting one angry/ upsetting thought go until all that’s left to walk for is forgiveness and nothing. I like to walk for nothing just walking simply because I can it doesn’t happen very often cos I find it hard to shut my brain of but it’s a peaceful feeling nothingness.

I think that’s why I find it so hard to sleep cos I cant shut off my brain. I dunno why it just whirls around with all the things ive done and it upsets me but what upsets me more is all the things I should have done you no wot I mean? Sometimes they are the worst things. It’s the wot ifs. Wot if I had stood my ground wot if I was more open and let people in a little more or wot if I learnt not to let some people in, or sum1 at least? Would it have changed anything? Would we still be the perfect couple sittin with our friends snuggled up in the pub? Who knows, but it hurts I don’t really understand why though cos it was my fault it ended cos, well u no the story by now im sure, but I ended it I choose n yet it hurts more than ever.

Guilt is a funny thing. Its always with you once you feel it. I feel guilty for breakin his heart and for causing a fight between him n his friend and that will stay with me forever I think. It will sink into the back of my mind and then when something else goes wrong there it will be making me feel worse. If your forgiven does it go away? Or is it only when u forgive urself? Cos im not very gd at that, forgiving myself, I don’t know why its stupid really I’ll let others get away with murder where im concerned but myself no way the minute I do something wrong that’s it I torcher myself for it. Stupid right?

 

That be a small bit of my ramblings i dunno y i wrote it as if it was to sum1 it just sorta cam out that way lik i had to tell sum1 my thoughts before i burst lol neva mind i gonna go i think nothin to do at the mo so might come back later

 

If life were a plant would you water it?

 

I sat yesterday with a word document open and just wrote everything i thought of even the most insignificant and random thoughts that poped into my head i just wrote it all down. I did it with the intention of postiong it on here but it ended up bein like 3 pages so i wont but it was weird the way it feels right to write again its like theres two sides to me but they cant exist together. i dunno i may post some of the ramblings later but right now goin to my sisters altrasound WOOHOO

 

I read your blog today im sorry i didnt mean it to make you cry i no u cant forgive me n i understand y but i think i will hav to forgive myself soon before i cant nemore. Dont be sorry i listened to the songs i understand wot u mean. i will think of u n hope u write soon

Forever waiting in the wings x

 

I shall wait in darkness

Till my sun shines again x

Stop the pain

Take it all away

I'll trade in all i own

My life, my friends, my home

I hat what i've become

The way i've lied and cheated

I tried hiding from myself

Tried being who im not

I tried to make everyone happy

But i cant do it anymore

I cant stand and watch life fade away

Watch me lose my heart

When you where here i tried to get away

But miss you now your gone

You told me i was perfect

That i dont ever hear

Noone cares the same way you did

Or sees behind my mask

Im lost now

But theres noone here to find me

Noone here to save me

So i say goodbye to who i am

And drown in what im not

 

Hmm that was longer than i thought and what is it with drowning?

its weird to think tht writin something really makes a difference to u even when no one reads it dont ya think lik on here i dont think del reads any of it yet apologizing to him still relieves the wait of the pain i caused him given not as much as if hed speak to me but still its something.

 

i was staring at a flame earlier and this random thought poped into me head so thought id share:

its strange the way u look at a flame and see it dancing happily fooling mislead eyes but when u look closer its not dancing at all its trying to escape the chains that contain it until along comes a drop of water or sum1 stops the oxygen sgettin to it and suffocates the flame into nothing. that in itself isnt strange but what is is the fact that humans are so similar to the flame in that we spend our lives striving for freedom trying to fight the rules and laws people enforce upon us untill onday we die from lack of oxygen getting to our organs n we just disapear into nothing.

 the weirdest part is i get all that from looking at one simple tiny flame and yet cant see past the mistakes ive made to see me bit fucked up really isnt it.

 

pub officially cancelled gutted so bored. . . may go for a walk clear my head... before that i wrote somethin the other day i havent written in a while but i think ill post it dunno y i dont normally but think i will make an acception

im sorry if u felt like i was pushing you i didnt mean to. Mostly im sorry for coming between you and Del that was never my intentions. i hope that u can sort it out and help him find his way again

sorry x

i have said it so many times now but i dont think u know how much i mean it. I really neva meant to hurt you i let my own past get the better of me. i no you can neva forgive me for the way i treated u and i dont blame u for that but dont let me be another scar in ur life. u really are an amazing guy and u hav so much to give. dont lose ur trust in people because of me.

I really do miss you and im sorry i ruined it x

i no its too late to apologize but i dont no wot else to do. i need to fix myself but i cant do that till i have fixed all the things i have done wrong which just lately is alot.

i feel like im drowning and theres no hand to grab hold of. i guess its time i learnt to swim but theres so much weighing me down. i cant sleep i feel so guilty all the time. ive gone off food i think my parents will notice soon but i dont want them to worry.